Luck or Life

Is there such a thing as luck? Or do events happen in our life because that’s what happens in life? When I tell people I’ve had such bad luck since December some shake their head and say it’s not bad luck it’s just life. Others agree and say yeah hopefully some good luck comes your way soon.

My dad is still in the hospital. He’s medically fine now, he had a stroke which affected his right arm and parts of the brain that control memory. He needs his right arm to help himself get in and out of his wheelchair. So right now he is bedridden. He does physio two days a week but I can’t see an improvement and I don’t know if it’s because he has given up or because he is just too tired. It’s frustrating. I’ve been to the hospital every day since January 11th when he was admitted, barring this past week. He is still in the hospital because now he’s awaiting placement for a nursing home because he can no longer go back to his apartment because they just don’t have the services to help him with day to day living. I understand this is the best thing but it’s still not easy. He knows where he’s going and some days he’s okay with others he’s not. It’s very hard. Harder still is the waiting period. The hospital makes you choose 5 places and 1-2 of them have to be on a “shortlist” meaning the waiting period is 0-3 months! And what I’ve discovered is that the homes with the shortest waiting times are usually the crappiest. But I had to choose one and the home is actually decent. It is a ward bed though meaning he shares the room with 3 other people. Shitty. Once he’s there he remains on the waiting list for my preferred home with a private room. He waits there for up to year. My heart breaks. Last Friday J and I went to his apartment to start cleaning it up and it was sad, just going through his personal things, looking at his pictures of when he was young, laughing with friends. My dad was far from perfect but he had fun with friends.

Last Friday while cleaning out his apartment I also brought home another nice surprise. The Norwalk virus. For 4 days we were all bedridden, throwing up and other lovely things. Which is why I haven’t been to the hospital in a while. I wonder if my dad thinks I’ve abandoned him. I’ve told the nurses why I haven’t been there and to give him the message. Also I am running out of time at work to leave to see him. So my visits will have to be at night or on weekends. Cue the guilt. I know I shouldn’t feel guilty but I can’t’ help it.

Now my mom is also having issues. She is convinced she has stomach cancer. Normally I’m not one to worry and I keep reassuring her she doesn’t but in my heart I’m not so sure. She has all they symptoms for more than two months. It’s also taken two months and a whole shitload of doctors to believe her and to run some test. Incredible. The doctors just kept sending her away saying it was indigestion, in her mind, and other crap. She went for an ultrasound yesterday and should have some results by Monday. Of course this has completely affected her mind and she is very depressed. If you know my mom at all you would see how this is not like her. She was always a vibrant energetic woman and now she cries half the day away. She’s seeing a psychologist next Tuesday.

I’m tired of this. I know there’s people who have worse troubles than this. I know. But it pisses me off some days when I read about other families enjoying life, having fun and I’m dealing with all this crap. Is it selfish? Is it normal to want to enjoy life again and not have to worry about your parents dying or living horribly. I don’t know.

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