I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and retrospection on myself and what the last 5 or so years of merely exisiting in this marriage has done to my self esteem and self worth. I’ve been reading past posts and in the last year or so I only wrote one on the state of our marriage. But now when I think of how we truly lived I see why I don’t value myself at all. Where others see me as kind and good and beautiful I think they’re only being nice just to be nice and that they don’t mean it. Yes somedays I do look in the mirror and I see a pretty face or I know that I am a good friend but most days I don’t see any of it at all.
When the person you’re with rarely gives you a compliment and only tells you what you do wrong in life it really does a number on you. So much so that when someone you know tells you you are stunning and an amazing person you can’t believe it.
I don’t doubt my mothering skills; in that respect I know I am a great mom. I see it in my kids. I just need to stop doubting myself as a person. It will take time but I know I can do it.